Archive for September, 2010

daydreams and mental drifting– maybe story is a sickness

Daydreaming

Well, it only took two days before I tripped and missed a day yesterday . I thought I could make up the loss, but today, I spent the whole day outside due to the awesome weather we were experiencing. Now I’m here, with an hour left on day 4 and I’ve got nothing. Well, I can’t say I honestly have nothing, I just don’t have anything interesting to say about story. I guess the problem is that I haven’t figured out how to create something substantial without spending a substantial part of my day on it.

Regardless of the circumstances, story has been rolling around in my head constantly throughout the day. But, I’m having trouble taming it. It is a subject with such significant scope it is difficult to do something with it. I really want to focus on where story impacts my life, but it is tough to do that when you keep asking the question, “what is story.” Every time I ask myself that question, my brain takes a different rabbit trail. Perhaps my problem is that I want to tell a good story about story, and somehow, that just seems like the subject of a Twilight Zone episode or something.

I keep wanting to fit thoughts and ideas into a narrative. I wasn’t really aware of it until this morning, but it is very difficult for me to listen to anyone talk for an extended period of time without my mind drifting off on to some tangental narrative. I had no idea how much I did this until I was sitting at my computer listening to an old message from Crosspoint about personal baggage. As Pete spoke about situations where trust is broken, my imagination took every example and began creating stories with it. In a matter of seconds, I had created characters and placed them in situations and I watched these characters, in my mind, as their actions effected on another. I have no idea why I do this. When this happens, I have little “wake up” moments where I realize that my mind has drifted and I missed whatever was said for the past several minutes.

Perhaps this is an extension of something similar that I experienced as a child. In school, I was a major daydreamer. I could space out for long periods of time as teachers taught. I could stare out the window and imagine little adventures and conversations…. hmmm, I haven’t thought about this before, but a lot of what I imagine is conversations. It appears that a great deal of my narratives are like some intellectual indie film, full of heady dialog. Perhaps I use this to reason, to sort out information, or to weigh the validity  of ideas. At the moment, it isn’t really clear to me. This is something I am going to have to think about.

Does your mind drift? Do you find yourself daydreaming often?  If so, why do you think that happens? What is so interesting about the stories in your own head?

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Story: who needs it?

A need to tell and hear stories is essential to the species Homo sapiens–second in necessity apparently after nourishment and before love and shelter. Millions survive without love or home, almost none in silence; the opposite of silence leads quickly to narrative, and the sound of story is the dominant sound of our lives, from the small accounts of our day’s events to the vast incommunicable constructs of psychopaths.
Reynolds Price

I began my day today with a blank sheet of paper. Having recently been inspired by the incredibly creative book What It Is by Lynda Barry, I wanted to try and explore my ideas of story using words and images. I knew it wouldn’t be elevated to the level of Art that Barry reaches, but it was my inspiration for the exercise. I worked hard to keep from thinking too much about any one thing,  I wanted this to be more of a stream of consciousness exercise, just letting words, phrases and images come without digging into the detail.

I stared at the page for a moment, then wrote, “What is ‘story’?” Since I had been thinking about “story” for a few days, there were already a few ideas of what it was floating around in my head; however, I wanted something fresh and more instinctive to come out on the page. To do this, I ignored my initial responses and traveled back in my mind to the youngest version of myself that I have access to– nine year old Paul. Nine year old Paul loved Star Wars, Micronauts, Legos and Speed Racer; he also loved to climb trees and to lay in the grass and watch the clouds float by  as they morphed constantly into fish, pirate ships and funny faces. If I was to ask nine year old Paul the same question about story that I ask myself today, his answer would be different… was different.

The younger version of myself responded to story in a much less technical way. He related to story by thinking about how he had experienced stories in his life. I wrote down the the first ideas that came to mind: a children’s book, a tall tale and an ancient adventure. When I paused for a moment to think about children’s books, I found that I didn’t imagine a specific book, I thought about the image of a parent sitting beside a child’s bed reading a book. I tried to remember my parents reading books as a child, It may have happened, but I had no memory of it. The image that I had , was a manufactured one, based on some ideal. So, I poked around in the dusty attic of my memory, trying to remember bedtime stories. An image of my dad at my bedside appeared, then suddenly, I remembered.

There was a little cat stuck in the gutter and it was scared and meowing… actually, its meows were words… “help me, help me,” it cried in a little cat voice. I know for a fact that the cat had a name, I don’t remember what it was, perhaps it changed over the years. Really, I don’t remember much about what happened in the story. I am pretty sure the story involved a young boy rescuing the cat, having to over come some obstacles, and I’m pretty sure that young boy had the same name as me. This is the first story I remember being told as a kid. Sure, I may have heard some Bible stories about Jesus, Moses or David and Goliath, but this is the first story I actually remember feeling something about. There was a little cat stuck in the gutter, there was a rain storm, the cat feared for its life and so did I.

What is 'story'?

My little exercise triggered a lot of thoughts and a bunch of memories. I followed along as they popped into my mind, recording those thoughts on the paper. Sometimes, it resulted in a little sketch, mostly as words, phases and questions. I remembered how some stories played a significant role in my life and others were just emotional memories, mostly feelings with a handful of details attached. Things came slowly at first, but soon the trickle became a steady stream. I raced to record them before they flowed away.

As my thoughts moved and I followed those distant memories, they progressed through the years following narratives that opened doors in my life, inspired me or ignited my imagination. One of the most curious discoveries of this exercise was that every thought and memory I have of ‘story’ is a positive one. Not that all the stories I’ve encountered in my life have been positive, but all the memories I have are tagged with positive labels. I don’t know what that means, but I think the contents of this legal pad are going to reveal something more significant as I explore this further.

I am aware of my deep personal need for stories. Perhaps they are tools I use to see something within myself that isn’t readily apparent, or maybe they help me process a complicated world in a way that I can relate to. I know that it is complicated, but it is something I have craved since my earliest memories as a child. What is it about about the little cat in the gutter that still resonates with me to this day? So many questions to ask– I look forward to discovering some answers.

So, what is the earliest story that you remember? What do you remember about it? And even more interestingly, why do you remember it?

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“Story”

The Storyteller

I have been a storyteller my whole life. I may not have been a good one, but I have always love to tell a story. Problem is, my stories tend to be heavy on details and longer than the average attention span. I think that is because I see things with rich detail and when I talk about something, I like to include the detail. My dad had the same problem. Once, I heard it said of my father, that if someone asked him the time of day, he would tell them how to build a watch.

I have started this post three time and abandoned it twice because I started drifting off in some direction that I keep feeling needs more and more explanation. I hoping that the third time is the charm. I began this 30 day “story” challenge because I started peeling back the layers of my highly chaotic life and I started asking myself that one basic question, “what do I want to do for a living?” I have given myself permission to ask that question. I think I have plenty of skills and experience to maintain a profitable career in software development, but I left that five years ago because it was killing me.

When I worked as a programmer, I knew in my heart of hearts that what I was doing with my life was absolutely the wrong thing. I was certain the God had created me to do something specific and sitting in a cubical cranking out lines of C Sharp code wasn’t it… and it wasn’t even remotely close. However, when I quit my amazing job, that paid me way too much money, I wanted to do something that made me come alive– something creative. For some reason the thing that was screaming the loudest within me was filmmaking. I didn’t know much about filmmaking, I mean, I knew a lot about filmmaking; I had read a bunch of books, watched a lot of movies, even watched many of them a second time with the director’s commentary. I had learned a lot about filmmaking, but I didn’t know squat.

I know that sounds contradictory, but that is the best way I can describe it. For the last three years, I have loosely chased a dream of being a filmmaker only to reach a point where I wonder if I should continue. I know I need to be doing something creative with my life. I was born with many creative abilities, but I am really unsatisfied with my direction in life. For some reason, I have reached a place where I don’t really have a clear vision of where I want to go.

A few months ago, I started  looking deep within myself and asking some crucial questions. I really want to know what is written in my DNA, what it is that am I uniquely created for. Having turned 40 in May, I thought it was a good a time as any to figure out what I want to do with my life. I didn’t feel as though my current direction was drawing enough on my creativity and I needed more answers. When I began to examine my life, when I ran back the years and looked at a younger version of myself, I started asking what was the common theme in my life that seemed to play out in my memories. What were those things that I remembered, what made me feel alive.

I wandered around for a while until I started seeing something play out repeatedly in my memory, something that come back to me time and time again. Having a vivid imagination and a keen sense of observation, I began early in life to be a storyteller. As it turns out, stories have been a central theme in my life. I have come back to it over and over again the past few months, but I constantly hear the same answer when I ask myself what I want to do for the rest of my life… not doubt about it, I want to tell stories.

The problem is, I have no idea what that means. So, I am starting a 30 day journey to look at “story”, what it is, and how it plays a role in my life. I know I want to be a story teller, but I don’t know if that will be as a filmmaker, a writer, a painter, a lawyer or a professional liar. I have absolutely no idea. I do know that stories flow out of me and they energize me. So, here I go. I’ve got 29 more days to go and I hope I discover something interesting along the way.

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